Relationship Patterns: What Are You Practicing in Your Marriage?

We often think about relationships in terms of what we want our marriage or partnership to be.

We want to feel close to our partner. We want to communicate well. We want to handle disagreements differently. We want our marriage to feel connected, supportive, and enjoyable.

But there's another question that may be just as important:

What are we practicing?

Because the relationship we experience isn't only shaped by what we hope for. It's also shaped by the patterns we repeat.

If we repeatedly avoid difficult conversations, we become more comfortable avoiding them.

If we respond to frustration with defensiveness, we become quicker to defend ourselves.

If we stop asking questions because we assume we already know what our partner is going to say, we may gradually become less curious about each other.

And if we practice listening, affection, appreciation, honesty, forgiveness, and repair, those things can become more natural too.

Small Patterns Become Big Patterns

Most couples don't wake up one morning and realize, "We've become disconnected."

It usually happens gradually.

A conversation gets postponed.

A disagreement isn't fully resolved.

One person becomes a little more hesitant to bring something up.

Another starts spending more time on their phone.

The couple gets busy with work, children, responsibilities, and everything else that life requires.

None of these things necessarily seem significant on their own.

But patterns have a way of becoming normal.

And once something becomes normal, we may stop noticing it.

That's one reason I think it's helpful for couples to occasionally step back and ask not just "How are we doing?", but "What are we practicing?"

What Happens When We're Stressed?

It's relatively easy to be the partner we want to be when life is going well.

The more revealing moments often come when we're tired, stressed, disappointed, or overwhelmed.

That's when our familiar patterns tend to show up.

Do we turn toward each other or away from each other?

Do we become curious or make assumptions?

Do we try to understand or immediately defend ourselves?

Do we bring up the problem, or quietly keep track of it?

Do we repair after we've hurt one another, or simply move on and hope it goes away?

These moments don't mean a relationship is unhealthy.

Every couple has difficult interactions.

The more important question may be what happens repeatedly after those moments occur.

You Don't Have to Be Perfect

Thinking about relationship patterns isn't about trying to create a perfect marriage.

That's not realistic.

You're going to get irritated with each other. You're going to misunderstand each other. You're going to say things you wish you hadn't said. There will be days when one of you isn't particularly patient or particularly available.

The goal isn't to eliminate those moments.

It's to become more aware of them.

A couple who occasionally has a difficult conversation but knows how to come back together may be in a much healthier place than a couple who rarely argues but has learned to avoid anything uncomfortable.

Sometimes the strength of a relationship isn't measured by how little conflict there is, but by what the couple does with the conflict when it happens.

What Are You Practicing Together?

You might consider asking your partner:

• When we're stressed, do we tend to turn toward each other or away from each other?

• What do we do well as a couple that we want to keep practicing?

• Is there a pattern between us that we don't particularly like but have come to accept as normal?

• When was the last time I felt really understood by you?

• When was the last time I made an effort to really understand you?

• What is one thing we could practice more often that would make our relationship better?

You don't have to have all the answers.

Sometimes simply noticing a pattern is the beginning of changing it.

Your Relationship Is Being Built in Ordinary Moments

It's easy to imagine that the important moments in a relationship are the big ones—the wedding, the birth of a child, a major life decision, a crisis.

But much of a relationship is built somewhere else.

It's built in the kitchen.

In the car.

At the end of a long day.

In the five-minute conversation before bed.

In how you respond when your partner tells you something that matters to them.

In whether you notice when they're having a difficult day.

In whether you say thank you for something you've come to expect.

In whether you reach for each other after an argument.

These moments may not feel particularly significant at the time.

But this is where the relationship is being practiced.

And what we practice repeatedly tends to become what we are good at.

So perhaps the question isn't only:

"What kind of relationship do we want to have?"

Maybe it's also:

"What kind of relationship are we practicing today?"

Because you don't have to wait until your relationship is in trouble to start practicing the kind of relationship you want to have.

Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Farmington, Connecticut, working with individuals, couples, teens, and families both in person and online.