Therapy is Work, Not Hard Work
There is a dominant perception from couples that therapy is a lot of hard work! It’s no wonder then why so many would balk at the idea of it. Men tend to have little patience for relationship matters that require long drawn out conversations that force greater reflection, deeper feelings and painful revelations. Sometimes the idea of just resetting by apologizing, hugging it out, or having make up sex seems much more time efficient and, frankly, economical.
But what most people new to counseling circles don’t seem to understand is that therapists are aware that most folks already have enough hard work built into their professional and family lives. The last thing we want is for clients to experience couples counseling as yet another hard working part of their week. To be sure though, it is work from the standpoint that more must be done than what’s offered in the counseling hour. If clients don’t connect the dots between the conversations and the places where relationships collide then therapy becomes a waste of time for all.
Couples that enter therapy with an open mind are often surprised to discover that it can feel much different than the expected tension that they believe will define the energy in the room. Therapy is designed to help clients create greater insight into their individual and relationship dynamics. It’s not meant to frustrate, anger or expose each other’s weaknesses. When clients begin to trust the process of therapy they start to feel confident that the point is to play tug o’ war on the same side of the rope.
When couples counseling is at its best, partners are actively engaged in the process and maintain an awareness of three factors: your needs, your partner’s needs and the relationship’s needs. The latter is a reminder that a shared identity requires some shared perspective. This means that couples need to not only express what they need from one another, but perhaps more importantly, what they want their coupleship to look. This includes phrases such as:
“We want to communicate more clearly, reasonably and productively.”
“We want a high level of trust in our relationship so that we never worry about the health of our marriage.”
“We desire to have an active intimate life, where we stay connected physically and discuss and meet our sexual desires.”
Although there is obvious variance in how often individuals desire sex, it is often a part of the relationship that does not get discussed proactively and seems to get the scraps particulary when there are kids in the home. However, when couples engage in honest conversation about the importance of their intimate life as a couple, they begin to see the shared responsibility of addressing this need.
Couples therapy does take some work. But if you think about it a bit differently you can view not as hard work but as a loving investment in your coupleship identity.
Couples who wish to have a free phone consultation with Bryon Remo, M.Ed., LMFT, can click on the link below.
Click HERE for a free phone consultation.