The Hidden Costs of Getting Divorced

Years before my marriage ended, I remember fantasizing about a healthy divorce with my now ex-wife. I imagined we would somehow escape all the natural and unnatural consequences that other co-parenting partners would inevitably endure. We would be grateful to have three healthy children that soon have four parents (two step-ones) who would love them, and all would be jolly despite the inconvenience of switching houses and missing them on some holidays- which would undoubtedly suck.

But that isn’t how it has played out. To be fair, my ex-wife and I have had a decent rapport for the 10 plus years we’ve been divorced. There’s been no catastrophes. No vengeful dragging the other to court for some gross injustice. No egregious behavior that has landed any of our kids in counseling with reports of them loathing either of us, our new partners or our divorce dynamic. It’s been…well…fine. But that is why I’m writing this. Fine is still pretty damn painful and yet I’m not sure what if anything I can do about it.

Despite my efforts, I haven’t been so good at accepting being divorced and can’t seem to make it feel better. So I’ve decided to tell anyone who is in a marriage with children that parting ways is a really bad idea. That is of course unless you are being chronically abused, neglected or harmed in some irreparable way. Then of course I get it.

Now you might wonder how this kindergarten advice is helpful. I’m not saying it’s helpful in the sense that you will suddenly feel compelled to want to remain with a partner you can’t bear to look at let alone haven’t touched in the past year or more. But if you can somehow get off the fence about leaning out in your thinking you can begin to see the possibilities of trying to influence your relationship in a positive way even if it takes your partner some time to believe in your reconstruction.

I won’t detail the infinite list of things that are troubling about divorce as they seem to compound daily. My kids are all teenagers now and I feel the gravity of their absence even more. But here are just a few that you may not have considered.

I didn’t think that working on a project with one of my daughter’s for several days in a row only to not see or hear about its conclusion would be a big deal to me, but it sucks.

I didn’t think that if I missed a dance performance of my daughter’s it would be a big deal because I would catch the next one and my ex-wife or child would just update me. But what happens if they just didn’t think of me, or she just didn’t have or find time to get back to me? She could be tired and didn’t feel like talking about it. Yea, I’m not really sure of the truth but that really sucks.

I didn’t think that my daughter might have met a boy, had some kind of conflict with him where her feelings were hurt, she recovered, learned a life lesson and is stronger because of it…and it would happen somehow without my ever catching wind of any of this process. It has happened and this too sucks.

I didn’t think I would be spending a week at the hospital with my dying father, experiencing the highs of hopefulness and the ultimate low of his eventual death, and not have them nearby to steal a hug when I was feeling less than the superman dad I was programmed to emulate that abruptly lost its potential in the courtroom. That has sucked extra!

Of course there’s been some good that has come of divorce as it forces reflection and eventual acceptance, though you already know I’m still wrestling with that part. But my father’s recent passing has been teaching me little life lessons not just about embracing grief but also about appreciating the normalcy of pain that occurs and perhaps must occur in all relationships. They have the seeds of growth and healing despite appearing to be unwanted and invasive. But there is also some pain we can avoid.

If you have been inching toward getting divorced and you have children, you should spend some time with a counselor who has been beaten up by it like I have and discuss all the ways you can individually and as a couple re-design your marriage in a way that it was meant to look. It is possible to forgive. It is possible to reinvent and it is possible to love the person whom you have experienced the most heartache and disappointment. It will take some intentional work, but it doesn’t have to be this laborious process where you must martyr yourself for years. But it will require some humility,relinquishment, compassion and a plan to get there. I’m happy to support you and if nothing else, it will help me feel less shitty about my own divorce if I can.